“If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” – George Bernard Shaw
I wouldn’t describe myself as a simple farm boy who gets swept up in an epic story of romance and heroism to become the stuff of campfire legend.
There have been plenty of successful revolutions of late, with dictators across the Middle East being upended left right and centre. Not all revolutionaries did quite so well however, so if you want an idea of how to dethrone your leader, don’t do what these guys did.
What am I not? Hard to say. Publishing a book has inflated my ego. Sometimes people have to remind me that I’m not Philip Roth or Virginia Andrews… That said, I don’t look like a writer—I think. I’ve got more of a disgruntled-gym-teacher/veteran-garbage-collector thing going on.
I wouldn’t describe myself as dynamic, interesting, exciting, gregarious, funny, clever, talented, dog lover… what’s the opposite of sarcastic?
“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”
- Winston Churchill
I do not sleep with my clients or watch them have sex.
I’m not the Grim Reaper.
I’m not a born again Christian vegan activist hipster marathon runner who drives an El Camino. I hate El Caminos.
Going for glory? Well, just remember that winning isn’t everything. For all those wannabe champions out there, heed the warnings of the Antiguide to Winning: what not to do.
I really struggle to call myself an environmentalist, at least in the traditional sense, even though I’ve founded a website to do with sustainability.
I am not a drugstore pharmacist. I don’t even look like a pharmacist – no white coat.
I’m not interested in changing the mind of anyone who doesn’t like technology, I just want to help those with a sparkle of curiosity to see what joys lie within our geeky little world, and help those self-confessed nerds know they’re not alone and help them find their networks and collaborators, wherever they may be.
Looking for the perfect romantic gesture to impress that special someone? You certainly won’t find any good ideas here, in the antiguide to wooing: what not to do.
I wouldn’t describe myself as apathetic, judgmental, or dull. I’m not modest or self-conscious about my body. I’m not close-minded. I’m not dressed a lot of the time, especially in the summer.
I’m not at a loss for words. I’m not as disciplined as I want to be. I’m not a person who misses deadlines. I’m not afraid to rewrite. I’m not always eager to write, but I do it anyway. I’m not afraid of rejections – which is good because I received 114 of ’em before getting my first book contract.
“Don’t wait for the storm to pass… learn to dance in the rain.”
- Vivian Greene
I am not a casket salesman. I do not attempt to make a funeral into a retail transaction.
Are you huddled in a dark lair, plotting to get back at your arch-nemisis? Careful – more often than not, revenge goes horribly, horribly wrong for all concerned. Read on to understand how not to wreak vengeance in the antiguide to revenge: what not to do.
I am not a sports agent or a Food Network star. I am not an only child, nor am I the youngest. I am not passive-aggressive, but I am also not confrontational.
“I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine.”
- Neil Armstrong
I am not prime minister of Australia, and have no intention of running.
Who am I not? Oh I suppose normally socially-connected…whatever the hell that means these days. I was born in 1934 and I ended up with no parents and lost a sister all in the 1940s… I mean the normal social connections then would have been family and friends! We never had them as a person, so it has taken us all this time to try to develop those relationships, because you’ve got to have them otherwise you end up with the Aurora Shootings.
Now that’s complicated enough now isn’t it!
“There’s no money in poetry, but then there’s no poetry in money either.”
- Robert Graves
Is a plague threatening to bring your civilisation to its knees? For those looking for a way to stop an outbreak of Black Death or venereal disease, be sure to avoid any of the mistakes listed in the antiguide to plague prevention: what not to do.
I’m not a cynic and believer in nostalgic dogmas. A “leftist” or “rightist.” A pessimist.
“Tradition is not the worship of ashes, but the preservation of fire.”
- Gustav Mahler
I’m not a beautiful hypocrite lost for words.
“Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”
- Peter De Vries
I’m not someone who is happy with his current level of abilities.
Lucy Hornstein is not a curmudgeonly, fat, old Philadelphia native who never wanted to be a doctor but only went to medical school at her parents’ insistence.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
- Thomas Edison
What am I not? My mother, who always wanted a girly girl, hates that I play roller derby.
Instead of the sweet, mild-mannered, preacher’s wife daughter she dreamed of, she ended up with a daughter who enjoys beating up on girls twice her size. I’m a dream crusher.
Planning to eliminate your foes, but don’t know where to begin? Learn from the mistakes of history’s foiled hitmen in the antiguide to assassination: what not to do.
First Dog on the Moon isn’t really comfortable talking about himself in the third person however he will endeavor to do so for the benefit of this sentence he is writing.
I am not, as my favourite non-descriptions of people who play games from last year would have you believe, a proverbially dull, inarticulate, social misfit, the practitioner of something ordinary, nor a 32-year-old single male who sits at home and plays games all day.
“Do not speak – unless it improves on silence.”
- Buddhist Proverb
I am not a fighter, I’m also not a winner very much, but I am a lover, and have frequently been a sinner (I do work in the arts after all…). I am not a sports-capable person, but I do enjoy cutting a rug; I am not outgoing, but I love being with friends; I am not a vegetarian, although I once was; and I am not normal, but neither are any of my friends
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”
- Woody Allen
Jen Brister isn’t Jen Christer, Jan Bristow, Jean Britzen, Joan Brasten or Jane Bester. All names I have been referred to one way or another over the years. My favourite was when I ordered 2000 Edinburgh flyers for my show that read, ‘Ben Brister.’ Continue Reading →
Doing hard time for a crime you didn’t commit? Well, to aid you in your escape plan, here’s a few examples of what not to do. Avoid these pitfalls and you’ll be on the run in no time.
I am not the life of the party.
“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
