George Bernard Shaw

“If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

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Alex Ben-Mayor

Theatre producer Alex Ben-Mayor doesn’t do it for the ladies

I wouldn’t describe myself as a simple farm boy who gets swept up in an epic story of romance and heroism to become the stuff of campfire legend.

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revolution

How not to stage a revolution

There have been plenty of successful revolutions of late, with dictators across the Middle East being upended left right and centre. Not all revolutionaries did quite so well however, so if you want an idea of how to dethrone your leader, don’t do what these guys did.

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Winter tree
“Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.”
Robert H. Schuller 

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Pirate Josef Collentine isn’t part of a normal political party

A pretentious loud-mouthed bigot is definitely words I wouldn’t use for describing myself but I don’t think anyone would.
I’ve only been described as dark once and hardly ever as stupid. I don’t conform to a 9-5 job and hope I never will. Change and variation keeps things interesting.

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Ben Kearvell

Writer Ben Kearvell doesn’t worry about defeat

What am I not? Hard to say. Publishing a book has inflated my ego. Sometimes people have to remind me that I’m not Philip Roth or Virginia Andrews… That said, I don’t look like a writer—I think. I’ve got more of a disgruntled-gym-teacher/veteran-garbage-collector thing going on.

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Andrew Barrow doesn’t recommend drinking wine underwater

I wouldn’t describe myself as dynamic, interesting, exciting, gregarious, funny, clever, talented, dog lover… what’s the opposite of sarcastic?

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Winston 2

“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

- Winston Churchill 

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Jeremy Irish

Geocaching guru Jeremy Irish wouldn’t hide something at Wal-Mart

I’m not a born again Christian vegan activist hipster marathon runner who drives an El Camino. I hate El Caminos.

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lance armstrong

How not to win

Going for glory? Well, just remember that winning isn’t everything. For all those wannabe champions out there, heed  the warnings of the Antiguide to Winning: what not to do.

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John Johnston

The9Billion.com founder John Johnston doesn’t hug trees

I really struggle to call myself an environmentalist, at least in the traditional sense, even though I’ve founded a website to do with sustainability.

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Larry Frieders

Pharmacist Larry Frieders doesn’t just dole out the drugs

I am not a drugstore pharmacist. I don’t even look like a pharmacist – no white coat.

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Fee Plumley 1

Fee Plumley’s bus isn’t a fish

I’m not interested in changing the mind of anyone who doesn’t like technology, I just want to help those with a sparkle of curiosity to see what joys lie within our geeky little world, and help those self-confessed nerds know they’re not alone and help them find their networks and collaborators, wherever they may be.

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wooing

How not to woo

Looking for the perfect romantic gesture to impress that special someone? You certainly won’t find any good ideas here, in the antiguide to wooing: what not to do.

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Felicity Jordan

Naturist Felicity Jones doesn’t think nudity is inherently sexual

I wouldn’t describe myself as apathetic, judgmental, or dull.  I’m not modest or self-conscious about my body.  I’m not close-minded.  I’m not dressed a lot of the time, especially in the summer.

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mike allegra

Children’s author Mike Allegra hasn’t forgotten the magic

I’m not at a loss for words. I’m not as disciplined as I want to be. I’m not a person who misses deadlines. I’m not afraid to rewrite. I’m not always eager to write, but I do it anyway. I’m not afraid of rejections – which is good because I received 114 of ’em before getting my first book contract.

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Playing in the Rain

“Don’t wait for the storm to pass… learn to dance in the rain.”

- Vivian Greene

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patrick mcnally

Undertaker Patrick McNally is not a merchant of death

I am not a casket salesman. I do not attempt to make a funeral into a retail transaction.

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Hamlet

How not to enact revenge

Are you huddled in a dark lair, plotting to get back at your arch-nemisis? Careful – more often than not, revenge goes horribly, horribly wrong for all concerned. Read on to understand how not to wreak vengeance in the antiguide to revenge: what not to do.

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Gini Dietrich

PR expert Gini Dietrich is not a clone

I am not a sports agent or a Food Network star. I am not an only child, nor am I the youngest. I am not passive-aggressive, but I am also not confrontational.

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neil armstrong

“I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine.”

- Neil Armstrong

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Bruce Pascoe

Writer Bruce Pascoe is not convinced

I am not prime minister of Australia, and have no intention of running.

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Invert of Luke Cornish's Archibald portrait of Bob Maguire.

Father Bob is not deadly serious

Who am I not? Oh I suppose normally socially-connected…whatever the hell that means these days. I was born in 1934 and I ended up with no parents and lost a sister all in the 1940s… I mean the normal social connections then would have been family and friends! We never had them as a person, so it has taken us all this time to try to develop those relationships, because you’ve got to have them otherwise you end up with the Aurora Shootings.

Now that’s complicated enough now isn’t it!

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Money

“There’s no money in poetry, but then there’s no poetry in money either.”

- Robert Graves

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SARS mask

How not to stop a plague

Is a plague threatening to bring your civilisation to its knees? For those looking for a way to stop an outbreak of Black Death or venereal disease, be sure to avoid any of the mistakes listed in the antiguide to plague prevention: what not to do.

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Futurist David Brin doesn’t think apocalypse is imminent

I’m not a cynic and believer in nostalgic dogmas.  A “leftist” or “rightist.”  A pessimist.

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Olympic Torch

“Tradition is not the worship of ashes, but the preservation of fire.”

- Gustav Mahler

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Nostalgia

“Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”

- Peter De Vries

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Free diving

Free diver Peter Davies doesn’t do it alone

I’m not someone who is happy with his current level of abilities.

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Lucy

Doctor Hornstein hasn’t gone the way of the dinosaur

Lucy Hornstein is not a curmudgeonly, fat, old Philadelphia native who never wanted to be a doctor but only went to medical school at her parents’ insistence.

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Lightbulb

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

 - Thomas Edison

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Mary Lou Wretched

Roller derby star Mary Lou Wretched is no princess

What am I not? My mother, who always wanted a girly girl, hates that I play roller derby.

Instead of the sweet, mild-mannered, preacher’s wife daughter she dreamed of, she ended up with a daughter who enjoys beating up on girls twice her size. I’m a dream crusher. 

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assassin

How not to assassinate your enemies

Planning to eliminate your foes, but don’t know where to begin? Learn from the mistakes of history’s foiled hitmen in the antiguide to assassination: what not to do.

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first dog on the moon

Cartoonist First Dog on the Moon isn’t as weird as you think

First Dog on the Moon isn’t really comfortable talking about himself in the third person however he will endeavor to do so for the benefit of this sentence he is writing.

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paul callaghansize1

Games Writer Paul Callaghan isn’t a social misfit

I am not, as my favourite non-descriptions of people who play games from last year would have you believe, a proverbially dull, inarticulate, social misfit, the practitioner of something ordinary, nor a 32-year-old single male who sits at home and plays games all day.

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“Do not speak – unless it improves on silence.”

- Buddhist Proverb

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Telia-Nevile5

Poet Telia Nevile doesn’t mind cutting a rug

I am not a fighter, I’m also not a winner very much, but I am a lover, and have frequently been a sinner (I do work in the arts after all…).  I am not a sports-capable person, but I do enjoy cutting a rug; I am not outgoing, but I love being with friends; I am not a vegetarian, although I once was; and I am not normal, but neither are any of my friends

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“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”

- Woody Allen

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Comedian Jen Brister doesn’t own a single living thing

Jen Brister isn’t Jen Christer, Jan Bristow, Jean Britzen, Joan Brasten or Jane Bester. All names I have been referred to one way or another over the years. My favourite was when I ordered 2000 Edinburgh flyers for my show that read, ‘Ben Brister.’   Continue Reading →

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prison1

How not to escape prison

Doing hard time for a crime you didn’t commit? Well, to aid you in your escape plan, here’s a few examples of what not to do. Avoid these pitfalls and you’ll be on the run in no time.

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“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

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